I AM NOT ALONE

With has been such a powerful word. It’s been the assurance that is continually re-defining my walk with Jesus.

2 Corinthians 4:15-17

(15) All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

(16) Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

(17) For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

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Suffering. A word carrying a weight individual to the participant enduring the travail. I would be in improper standing if I were to establish a ruling for what constitutes the proper definition. Like a wise man once said, “I refuse to answer a difficult question with a simple answer.” I don’t expect anyone to understand the gravity of human emotion much less my own, but I would hope for them to understand that it’s not an absent thought, but a prevailing and prevalent reality not limited by a set of time or parameter. I struggle to put into words what has been a constant state in a world where emotions are banished and abandoned in a closet door. Take an ax. Annihilate that door.

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I am in a season of life that I never imagined I’d be living in. Expectations crashed. Hopes dismissed – but a complete shape of intense humility. It’s a place of lowly green pastures. It’s real. I shall not deny it. There have been days of physical pain. Sometimes it hurts to walk, hurts to think, hurts to breathe. My lower back goes numb and some days my body doesn’t stop tingling and throbbing. I have often found myself in states of sadness and forlorn outlooks, but nothing stems from the logical state of reasoning. It just happens. My need for real answers ceases to exist.

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Midst foggy conditions, I still find myself moving forward. There is a strong inclination to grow even under harsh conditions. There is a renewal brewing in my heart. I said “Yes” to Jesus many seasons ago, and there has been no denying He opens the door to my heart to see His – each and every day. In my daily reading of the Word, He establishes His presence. He has taken me through my state of joy in Philippians, through my depiction of deep and painful prayers in the Psalms, my longing to understand Him in Job, my heart in territories of inscrutable emotional questions in Lamentations, my true identity in Ephesians, and daily perspective in 2 Corinthians.

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I stumbled upon the gem in the rough of the grind. The Lord stopped my heart. There are often times I am studying deeply a passage of the bible, but I find myself in discussion with Him about a verse that reveals itself among the weeds. “This is why you should not give up – it gives me glory; it allows me to renew you daily. It’s only temporary. This state of hurt is OK. You do not need to be ashamed. Pick up your cross and follow me.” These were the words Jesus spoke to me one morning on my way to work. I found myself sobbing at the feet of Jesus. It was no longer his feet I saw, but his face. It was filled with love and unfathomable compassion. “Even though you are in this season friend, you have never left me. You continually seek me. You long to be with me and long to know me more. I long to seek your heart and long to know you, but even more, long to be with you.” With has been such a powerful word. It’s been the assurance that is continually re-defining my walk with Jesus.

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As you read this, I hope you would find yourself in the weeds, in the murky waters, but only amidst the presence of Jesus. He doesn’t deny your pain, your hurt, your longing for answers, your questions you cannot articulate. He longs to be with you. If you are going to wallow in your pain, wallow with Jesus and let him catch your tears. If you do not know Him, and maybe have no desire to, know that He will be waiting for your patiently with zero expectations.

My name is Caleb and I am not King. Jesus is.